What Joe Biden’s budget is missing: A usage tax on ‘woke’ and a drag show in every home

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President Joe Biden released his 2024 budget, which Republicans will certainly oppose because it involves helping people who aren’t rich.

President Joe “Bite It, Billionaires” Biden has released his proposed 2024 budget, a spending blueprint Republicans will certainly oppose because it involves helping people who aren’t rich.

Discussing the plan, which includes a 25% minimum income tax on billionaires and raises the corporate tax rate from 21% to 28%, White House Office of Management Director Shalanda Young said: “It will boost American manufacturing, provide national paid leave, cut taxes for working families, make our communities safer, drive medical breakthroughs … deliver for our veterans and a whole lot more.”

I’m a big fan of all those things, particularly “a whole lot more.” But having spent several seconds reviewing Biden’s budget proposal, and drawing on my lengthy and nonexistent expertise as a renowned economist, I believe there are a few important spending and revenue items the president missed.

A usage tax on the word ‘woke’

Thanks to Republicans like Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, America is the world’s leading producer of the word “woke.” On any given day, GOP officials and right-wing pundits across the country use “woke” no fewer than 17 million times.

Since most who say the word can’t actually define what it means, I propose a simple federal usage tax called “the Nickel-Per-Woke Tax.” At five cents per utterance, this would give the government a roughly $100 billion revenue stream.

A subsidy to pay billionaires minimum wage while they work in factories

As Republican-led states like Arkansas, Iowa and Ohio work to loosen child-labor laws, it seems appropriate that billionaires join their youthful workforces to demonstrate the safety of factory work. What better way to reassure Americans that shipping their offspring out to work production lines is A-OK?

Since the billionaires will also be facing a tax increase, they will, of course, be paid for their labor. This budget item would provide funds to pay well-heeled workers minimum wage, with no benefits.

$500 million for mandatory in-home drag shows

This reasonable investment would offset the harm conservatives have done to the American drag industry and act as an educational tool for people who are hysterically upset about something they’ve never seen.

$100 million in funding for antifa

This particular budget item would be called the “Give Fox News Something To Yell About For The Next Decade” Initiative. The money would actually just go back into the government’s coffers, since antifa really isn’t a thing. But with Fox News facing down a $1.6 billion defamation suit from Dominion Voting Systems, the very idea of the initiative would help the company financially and maybe save some jobs. A bit of bipartisanship from Uncle Joe.

A 200% tax increase on people who write ‘your’ when they mean ‘you’re’

In an effort to truly make America a better place, this would double the tax bill of anyone who, whether in an email or tweet or Facebook post, write “your” when they mean “you’re.” Examples include: “your an idiot”; “your wrong”; and “your a looser.” (A separate tax on misspelling “loser” should be included as well.)

I hope the Biden administration will amend its budget proposal to include these reasonable suggestions.

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